Life is tough.. thats why God created vodka and glitter.
God has cursed me. He made me too smart to hang out with the pretty people… too pretty to lounge with the clever folk, and too much fun to be by myself.
Coco Wants to be Amish
Coco: You guys, I want to dance.
Wuidenshuuz: You can't. Amish only pray and raise barns.
Twolipp: You could probably learn to dance with your eyes.
Wuidenshuuz: Maybe you can drink some really flavorful apple cider and smoke a corn cob pipe on your grassy field. HAHAHA. Coco's Dancing Eyes.
Twolipp: That's our next movie...after the Nana Rose Story. It'll be about Coco going Amish and how she had to learn to dance with her eyes. It will literally all be about her dancing eyes.
Wuidenshuuz: We'll have to have a really, REALLY good soundtrack for it. So, she will be in church, praying as the Amish do. and then the camera will focus on her eyes...Silence...Amish prayer chanting...silence. the BAM!!! Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch!
Twolipp: And she will meet a boy! And teach him to dance. With his eyes. And the end will be them dancing together!
Wuidenshuuz: Awwwww, dancing eyes together, in church!
Twolipp: And dancing eyes pulling wagons.
Wuidenshuuz: Nobody puts this Amish baby in the corner...of the confessional booth!
Twolipp: And Patrick Swazye will cameo!!!
Wuidenshuuz: IIIII've had! The Time of my Liiiife! He could be Old Man Witherspoons. And he catches her eyes dancing during Evening Prayers, and he decides to train her.
Twolipp: This might have to have a porn spin-off. Coco's Dirty Dancing Eyes
Coco: Amish gone wild.
Wuidenshuuz: Porn for the Amish-Miss Mary Rebecca Smith in full prayer position! Fingering ALL TEN rows of her rosary beads at once!
Coco: My Amish Patrick and I will practice our big lift in the the pond.
Wuidenshuuz: With all your clothers on though.
Coco: A pond of holy water. Of course I'll have my clothes on. Many, many layers.
Wuidenshuuz: In the porn version, your hair is in a braid, instead of a bun and your socks are rolled down to your calves, instead of your knees.
Coco: I already have Amish like bangs.
Wuidenshuuz: But you can't cut your hair as an Amish!!!
Twolipp: Crystal Gale style.
Wuidenshuuz: Unless you clain you were in a freak candle vigil accident and it burned off.
Twolipp: We can start with you wearing sunglasses at Rumspringa. And then you decide you will become Amish but you have to give up your love of dancing. And you are depressed...UNTIL Patrick Swazye sees your dancing eyes and confronts you and shows you a way you can dance again.
Twolipp: My friend is a recruiter at a law firm and said: "You know how some foreign people choose a more American name? I wonder how you choose. This guy's resume says his name is Ping XXXX but he goes by Quincy." I am going to guess he straight up saw Juice with Tupac.
Wuidenshuuz: Hi, my name is Mohini Bjaharwah. But I go by Mo. See, that's perfectly fine, because it's just the first two letters of her first name. All good.
Twolipp: Yeah, so, if you go to Asia, you can be...
Wuidenshuuz: My name is Eddie, but I go by Prit-tee-Yung-Ting.
Twolipp: Exactly the name you should choose when you are an exchange student.
Wuidenshuuz: But only when I am in Asia for school. When I'm in Italy, my name shall be: Signora KolohSeeum PazdaSawse. But at the Vatican I'm refered to as Sister Mary Elizabeth Maragaret Nakedundermyhabit. And I wear a HUGE Wimple like the Flying Nun.
Twolipp: Well, my Spanish name is Nowhora Ateahobuncha.
Coco: Oh, wow, you guys. I missed a lot. I feel like I don't know you anymore.
Wuidenshuuz: We'll give you a foreign exchange student name, then you'll fit right in.
Twolipp: Well, Penn Dutch, a leeeetle difficult. I'll leave that to our expert, PazdaSawse.
Wuidenshuuz: Sarah Anne Amos Barnraizing or Mary-Becky Amos-Woodcutter or Amos Anne Horzenbuggy.
Twolipp: So, your Italian name...Signora KolohSeeum PazdaSawse? You meant, Senor Coliseum Pasta Sauce. Not Senor Coliseum Patrick Swazye?
Coco: I'm planning the most intense trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond, you guys.
Wuidenshuuz: No way.
Coco: It's way serious.
Wuidenshuuz: Bed, Bath and Beyond can get pretty scary down in Chelsea. Not as bad as HomoDepot, but pretty bad.
So...in Ohio...The big hangout/pickup place to meet guys was the Home Depot in Columbus. I hated my friends after they told me. They were so serious, and when Jason said it, they all kinda nodded their heads.
Coco: I don't believe you.
Wuidenshuuz: I guess a lot of Ohio guys take care of their own stuff. EWWW. It's not like your having sex in the bathrooms. They actually buy crap and redo their homes and stuff. I guess like anywhere else, you just go and start talking to a guy that you like. Only, it't in the Home Depot. I don't know what goes on in the HomoDepot of Chelsea.
Coco: I bet the ones here are sucky...with guys in suits.
Twolipp: It's probably all stupid don't know how to do anything mother freakers.
Coco: I bet Paul Rudd fixes things at home.
Wuidenshuuz: With his shirt off.
Twolipp: He is the kind of guy we might run into. Or someone like Scarlett Jo's man.
Wuidenshuuz: Brad Pitt wears really cute overalls. So does the entire cast of True Blood and Robert Pattinson. But at night so Robert doesn't glitter.
Coco: Did I ever tell you the story of my trip from Columbus to Canton in a Greyhound bus filled with the Amish?
Twolipp: They ride buses?
Coco: They can't drive. So, they take the bus.
Wuidenshuuz: Total BS
Coco: And they also don't wear deodorant. And they wear many layers. And work with farm animals.
Twolipp: Ew, uck.
Wuidenshuuz: Can they make it like the bus? They don't wear it, but someone else can rub it on them?
Twolipp: Hippies don't wear deodorant either. Causes diseases.
Wuidenshuuz: I spray bath and body work body spray on them every chance I get. I hate people who smell.
Wuidenshuuz: I am going to take Italian classes on Tuesday nights when I get back from Italy.
Coco: Perfect time to take Italian!! When you get back from Italy.
Twolipp: You can talk to me in Italian and I will respond in Spanish and we will never connect.
Coco: I'm going to learn Pennsylvania Dutch.
Wuidenshuuz: Showoff. Slimeball liar.
This is how Wuidenshuuz, Coco and Twolipp clean their house.
NSFW, NSFL (L=Life)
Wuidenshuuz: I'm aging quickly these days. Gays age twice as fast as normal people.
Coco: No, no.
Wuidenshuuz: No, wait.
Coco: That's a myth.
Wuidenshuuz: Hehe. Our "Prime Age" is a rapidly shrinking range, but we live forever. And, usually stay beautiful up until the very end...when we dissolve into glitter and dash away upon the winds...Usually with Bette Midler singing, "Wind Beneath My Wings" somewhere in the background.
Twolipp: From glitter to glitter.
Wuidenshuuz: Glitter to glitter, puffpaint to puffpaint...It's like that moment in "The Dark Crystal" when the good Mystic and the bad Skeksies die at the same time. The good hot gays turn into glitter and fly away...the fisting leather S&M daddies turn into crappy furniture at KMart, covered in plastic of course, to keep everyone safe.
Twolipp: I'm not sure I can put that on our tumblr.
Wuidenshuuz: I don't think OhSnapChat should have limits. Sotomayor would totally back me up on this. Kermit the Frog is offended by the fisting part of it, but otherwise he's fine. Miss Piggy just thinks I'm crass.
Coco: What if there's a movement from the fisting leather S&M daddies to boycott our tumblr...ending our dream as we know it. I mean you damned them to an eternity of k-mart furniture....covered in plastic!
Wuidenshuuz: Well... they are S&M fisting leather daddies. What do YOU think they should go when they pass on? Prada? NO WAY. Or maybe they can just be a pretty swingset. They like slings and swings, right? How about a gazebo swing? That way they are something that creaks, still kinda pretty, but if you have intercourse on it then it still hurts like hell.
Twolipp: What if you come back as that, Wuidenshuuz?
Wuidenshuuz: I better not come back as crappy furniture. I'll be so very pissed off. Now I'm lonely.
Littls Souls for Wuidenshuuz, Twolipp and Coco.